When something terrible happens to a friend or family member we always think we need to say something to show that we care. However, some kind words can sometimes just sound hollow and empty or be the wrong ones.
Some things that are not always good to say are
It Will Be Fine
We all usually say, don’t worry, things will work out and it will be fine without knowing this for a fact. In real life, we all know that fine is a broad term. We use it when we are being polite even if it is not at all what we are feeling. Fine, is just a word, a word we are all used to repeating and odds are the person will be fine but it will take a while.
Sometimes saying nothing is sensible. It’s okay to let the person grieve; to let the person do all the talking if they want to. Let them let out their pain and their fears because it is okay to have fears and worries about all the things we can’t control. If not, we are not human.
When all is said and the fears are put out there, chances are the person will feel better and will have reached a point of acceptance. After the acceptance they may well start dissecting everything that did go wrong and begin to look for a solution in the rubble. Or they may just start to feel a little less helpless and weak.
Nothing is guaranteed but saying nothing at all and giving the other some space to grieve and be angry is a start.
Trust the Process
What is the process? This phrase just reinforces the feeling of helplessness and that there is a process they should have known about from the start. Trusting a process they have embarked on or another process? One that changes how they live and changes how they get hurt in life, basically one that says there is no need for them to worry, ever.
Just simply telling people to trust a process that they have no power over is simply magical thinking. Better you point them to a step in their process that may have led to this negative place. However, getting someone to change can take a very long time but, it is possible to work toward shifting thoughts and helping them to see things differently.
Help them see that instead of trusting in something external they can try to trust in themselves. Trust that they are strong enough to handle whatever comes and find a way to make the best of it.
Other People have it worse
They are not other people; they are people you care about. And even if they are likely fortunate in many ways than are other people out there this moment is not the moment to bring this up. Maybe you can bring up their blessings at another happier moment and with friends, family, food, drink and music and not at this moment of grief or loss. This kind of demeans their struggle and invalidates their feelings.
Also, minimizing the pain won’t make it go away. Allow them to feel both blessed and stressed instead of shaming them. And no, saying “life is too short to feel bad” is not acceptable either. We feel bad not because we have to follow a timetable to feel bad, it’s because we are struggling with real challenges and need help.
At this particular moment they need help and support and do not need to be reminded they have a lot going for them so should not feel down. Most of our struggles have more to do with what’s going on internally, so even people who appear to “have it all” can hurt tremendously.
Focus on why they are struggling instead of whether they should be struggling. And be there for them, in silence, if need be.
